The horrors persist but so do I
(cw: suicidal thoughts)
Hi all,
Following on from my last post, I can gladly say that we did manage to release it and it's going okay. I hoped that hitting that milestone would make me feel better, but alas I cannot say as such.
I feel quite down about life at the moment - there's a lot of reasons I think, but it all just feels quite hopeless overall.
I feel very burned out at my job, and I feel like I'm working in spite of myself rather than as myself, almost like I'm dragging around the original "whole" me, almost like a ball and chain, tagged onto this zombified version of me who just keeps slogging on day after day.
One of the things that's recently been getting to me a lot, other than just the pressure of the job, is how the whole AI thing is going with my industry, obviously Software Development has been very shaken up by it and every single day I hear how I'm going to be obsolete in 5 minutes when Sammy A drops his newest model which can hack the pentagon. I've fallen for it somewhat, I tried it as I'm always open to new technologies, but I've found over time it's completely destroyed the hobby (enjoyment) of programming for me, and right now at work I've been given it as I had to do work that was not in my wheelhouse, and it just feels like a crutch over the burnout I'm suffering - a way to keep going when I don't feel I can myself. It's completely at odds with my personal values too - I've weened myself off it before but given my current bandwidth I don't think I can. I feel really stupid admitting this and like I say, I feel totally at odds with my values, and completely departed from the enjoyment of programming, but it is what it is I suppose. I think that's what's making me feel like a zombie.
Clearly, I'm not alright, so recently I've been trying to figure out what is the "sensible" way to dig myself out of this hole - maybe it's something like therapy, but given the flow of that, I'm not sure I'd have the bandwidth for that either. If I wanted to go down the public route, it's convincing a receptionist who (at least seems like they) hate your guts that there is something wrong with you, trying to see a therapist, getting told there is no pathway for you to get therapy (real actual reasoning given to my partner - "the 2 pathways you would be eligible under were closed down 2 years ago"), getting put on antidepressants which can often make the issue worse (side effects incl: suicidal thoughts), and all while needing this to be in compliance with my workplaces “going to the doctor” policy, which requires appointments to be within certain time windows only. Based on that, I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford private therapy, but looking at a directory of therapists, it seems to have it's own caveats - firstly, analysis paralysis - how in the fuck am I supposed to chose from 100+ when every single one says every issue is their speciality. I think I'd prefer to do it in person, but everyone who does that works regular hours (9-5) and then only do online consulting outside of usual work hours. I'm supposed to interview them to find the right one, like really making me realise the best time to get one is when you don't need one. Like god, it's just so much when you're feeling so low.
I just honestly don't know where to go from here, it all just feels like so much. Also, in my personal life, while it is only minor annoyances, everything seems to be breaking on me all of a sudden - Electric Meter, Chair (my back reminds me of this every passing second), Shoes, Broadband. While these are totally small problems in the grand scheme of things it doesn't help contribute to a sense of un-fuckedness. I also kinda wish the world wasn't like mega fucked every single day, that'd probably be nice.
What is the answer to all this? I don't know. I've considered killing myself by jumping off a nearby bridge, but after considering it long enough to write this post, that feels like an awfully inconsiderate way to go, but I suppose all suicide is, isn't it. I won't do it I don't think, but it'd be really nice if the systems were in place to actually help people when they're in this situation.
I also don't know why, but I feel incredibly alone in all this (despite my partner being wonderful and supportive). The other night talking to him it felt like he was miles away from me (although maybe there's something poetic in that, as he currently is many miles away from me and I'd just love to hug him really tight right now).
I just keep adding paragraphs to this as they come to me so I'm really sorry for the shit flow, but I think a lot of this is hitting me because I don't feel like I did anything to make life worthwhile this weekend, I work all week and then just to do nothing but go between my bed and living room all weekend... what's the fucking point of it all? I try to enjoy Games, Reading .etc., but I just can't do it anymore. Fun is over.
Anyway, sorry for that depressing-ass read, and I hope you have a lovely day.